Not the End
by treegrlbugheadgleek
Summary: Rachel still can't move on from Finn and keeps hearing his voice in her head. She can't shake the feeling that he is still with her. Seasons 1-4 are cannon as well as season 5 episodes 1-3. Set 3 months after Finn's death. Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or any characters in Glee.
1. Chapter 1

**_Hey guys! This is just an experiment, so it's kind of rough. I'm sorry for the short chapter. Check out the AN at the bottom._**

Rachel walked into her apartment and plopped her bags down. She had just gotten back from her Monday matinee of Funny Girl. She went to her room and sat on her bed, still shaken up by the final song in the show - My Man. She could barely keep it together til the end without running off stage and balling.

She lay down on her back looking at the ceiling. Then she heard it - in her ear, a tiny whisper - "Don't give up, it's not the end."

It was _him_ , she could've sworn. But it was just a voice in her head lik all of the other times. She got up and looked out her window at the sky. She had done this so much lately. It had only been three months, but she still felt as numb as the day when she first got the news. She still remembered the Christmas that he named the star. She was so happy to know that he would always be looking down on her even if he was somewhere else, but somewhere else to her had meant on earth.

"Hey. I know that was you because I would recognize that voice anywhere," she stared up at the sky as a tear found a trail down her face.

"I was going to spend the rest of my life hearing that voice, every night before I fell asleep. Did you think I wouldn't recognize it? There is no way I can keep going on without you-" she had to pause to take a deep breath, "- I know you're out there somewhere, but I know it's on this earth. I know you're more than just an angel or a star. And I will find you, Finn. I will find you if it's the last thing that I do."

She fell to her knees and cried. Harder than she had cried in her life. It had finally sunk in - Finn Hudson was dead.

He saw her crying. He saw her talk to the sky like it was her sole purpose in life. He knew she would find out - one way or another. She was feisty when it came to things she cared about. He just wasn't going to tell her himself. She would kill him.

 ** _Author's note:_**

 ** _Hey guys! I'm just starting this fanfic and I don't know if it will even be popular at all, but I appreciate suggestions. I don't know where this is going to go and I'm sorry for the short chapter. Please give feedback!_**


	2. Chapter 2: Everywhere I Look

When Kurt got home, he found Rachel on her knees with her head in her hands. "Oh my god Rachel, are you okay?"

She looked up at him, her eyes puffy and red. "He's dead," she said, as if needing confirmation from her friend. He just hugged her. She wished that Finn's strong, safe arms could've been there instead. She wished she could have held him just one more time.

But that stupid drunk driver had to take him. He was driving through New Brunswick, New Jersey on he way to New York. Obviously, Rachel felt responsible because she had offered to meet him once he got to the border of New York City- he'd been so close. He had refused, saying he was fine on his own. She had waited at the apartment for him four hours when she got the call.

They were going to work it out and try to be together again. He was coming to celebrate with her for getting the role of Fanny Brice. They were endgame, he had said once. She had believed him then, and she still believed him now. She just wished that their love hadn't been stolen, and with such short notice.

Kurt slowly pulled away, but continued to comfort her. Rachel's breaths finally slowed down and she stood up, saying, "Brody called yesterday. He said he wants to try things again."

Kurt gave her a disgusted look, saying, "If you're asking for my permission, the answer's no."

"Look, I don't think I'm ready for that kind of commitment at all yet, but I need someone if I'm ever going to move on."

Kurt rolls his eyes, "But really, anyone but him. Rachel, you can do **so** much better."

That got her thinking. **Nobody** could be better than her Finn. **Nobody** would ever make her feel like she did with Finn. **Nobody** would love her like Finn did. A tear slipped down her cheek. This time she didn't start balling, but she still hurt. There would never be another chance to find love like she had already found and lost.

The next day, Rachel was walking down to the subway station closest to her apartment. As she swiped her subway card and started walking to her train, she saw a dark-haired man, about 6'3" waiting for the same train. She almost choked on her morning coffee. He looked exactly like Finn. But she knew he wasn't. There was no way.

When the train arrived, she boarded a different car than him just to keep herself from getting too distracted. She was looking for somewhere to sit when she heard a song blasting from someone's earbuds. Her first thought was how they were going to break their eardrums with music as loud as that playing directly into their ears. But then she heard the song.

 _Just a small town girl_

 _Livin' in a lonely world_

 _She took the midnight train_

 _Goin' anywhere_

She heard Finn's voice in her head singing those words to her. She started humming the next lines.

 _Just city boy_

 _Born and raised in South Detroit_

 _He took the midnight train_

 _Goin' anywhere_

She always thought of him when she heard or sang this song. It was the first good song they had lead. It was the first good song glee club had sung. She still wished she could go back four years to when they first sang that song. But it gave her a new hope.

When she got off the train, she saw a newspaper stand. Right on the front cover was the caption, 'Rachel Berry lands main part in Broadway revival of Funny Girl (see page 5).' Even though it wasn't the main story, she was on the front cover! She was getting luckier every day. But she still wished he was there to see it with her. He was always so supportive and proud every time she did something big. Everywhere she looked, she was reminded of Finn.

And then she saw him.

 **Author's Note:  
** **I'm so nice... I leave you with a cliff hanger. I'm sorry, I hate them too, but don't worry, I'll update soon. I was listening to the radio when Don't Stop Believin' came on and I thought I'd add something to this chapter, otherwise it probably would've been much worse. I'm so glad you guys liked the first chapter! Please feel free to give suggestions/comments/concerns/other. I would really appreciate you're thoughts. Thank you!**


	3. Chapter 3: Who Are You?

_**Chapter Three**_

"Rachel! How've you been?" he called, "I'm sorry, I would've talked to you earlier, but I thought you might want some space."

Rachel sighed. She couldn't believe who she was seeing. "I thought we agreed to break it off a long time ago, Brody."

"I heard your crazy ass man went and got himself out of your life."

Rachel stared at him, horrified at his comment, on the verge of tears.

"I didn't mean it that way," Brody said, not convincing Rachel in the least bit.

"You never cared about how I felt. I can tell you still don't because anyone who insults him insults me," Rachel shouted for the whole world to hear as she stormed off.

By the time she got to the Gershwin Theater, her face was tear-streaked and she felt worse than she had in the past week. Paolo immediately noticed her mood, her pained expression only confirming it.

"Hey, Rachel! Are you okay?" he interrogated as he walked up to her."Yeah, I'm good. I just need to go to the bathroom, so can you tell Rupert I'll be in for rehearsals as soon as I'm done?" she said as she paced off.

The second she got to the bathroom, she broke out in tears. She had obviously thought less of Brody when she found out who he really was, but she had never thought he was this rude. But she wasn't going to let this get to her - she was Rachel freaking Berry. She was a star. Stars have to deal with drama all the time, and if she was going to let this small complication impact her, then she might as well give up her whole dream. And she was _never_ going to do that.

She wiped her face, reapplied some of her makeup and put on her wig before walking out of the bathroom.

Since it was the day before Christmas Eve, there wouldn't be any shows the next three days, and there was only one show that night. She walked over to Rupert and Paolo, and took a seat next to them.

"So, what are we doing today?" she asked, assuming they would just go over all the scenes she had with Paolo. Rupert seemed to think that the chemistry between them wasn't exciting anymore, and truth be told, Rachel thought the same thing. She actually thought that it was her sex appeal that wasn't exciting anymore.

She'd always had insecurities about the way she looked. She'd never felt sexy until Finn came along. He made her feel like the prettiest girl in the world, even though she would never be that person. Now there was no one else to make her feel that way, so she didn't seem that way. Her insecurities about herself had turned her from a confident woman who knew who she was to a little girl who was afraid to go back to living life normally.

But today, Rupert surprised her by saying, "I'd actually like you to go over _Who Are You Now_ again. I need to really feel your pain when you sing this. I just feel like last night, you were a little out of it."

She didn't complain and, after the music started, did what she was asked to do.

 _Who are you now,_

 _Now that you're mine?_

 _Are you something more_

 _Than you were before?_

 _Are you warmer in the rain,_

 _Are you stronger for my touch,_

 _Am I giving too little_

 _By my lovin' you too much?_

She thought of only Finn at this point in the song. She hoped he was doing alright. As she sang the next lines, she looked up.

 _How is the view,_

 _Sunny and green?_

 _How do you compare it to_

 _The views you've seen?_

 _I know I am better, braver and surer too,_

 _But you-are you now-_

 _Who are you now?_

 _Are you someone better for my love?_

Rachel let a tear slip down her cheek as she finished the song. She hoped that her love had changed Finn. Finn's had definitely had changed her.

She almost forgot who she was singing for, but when she heard clapping from the two men in front of her, she was pulled out of her daydream.

"Wow, Rachel. You manage to stun me every time. That was almost too much emotion," said Rupert. He had a few tear streaks on his face, as did Paolo.

 _Wow_ , was all Rachel could think.

When she got home from her show that night, all she could think of was what it would be like if tomorrow was her first Christmas Eve back with Finn since senior year. But it wouldn't be. It couldn't be. All she wanted for Christmas was Finn. She knew that would never happen.

He wished it was their first Christmas Eve together, but he couldn't. He needed to make sure she was safe. But he had seen Brody with her. Of course, Brody had broken his promise. He shouldn't have trusted that jackass. But at least she wasn't hurt physically. He hoped she wasn't hurt emotionally.

 **A/N: Hey guys! I hope you like this chapter. Sorry I haven't updated lately. Please comment and suggest things to me, it would be really helpful. Thank you guys for all the positive feedback!**

 **Song: Who Are You Now by Barbra Streisand**


	4. Chapter Four: Come What May

"Kurt, you're next!" Rachel squealed, excited for him to open her present from her.

Kurt, being equally as excited as Rachel, snatched the gift out of her hands and tore open her meticulously wrapped present. His face lit up when he saw that she had gotten him an elaborate bracelet from god knows what designer. Kurt would probably have it in a display case the rest of his life (he didn't know that Rachel had bought it used for under $150; what he doesn't know doesn't kill him). Then he looked under the tissue paper and saw a small silver key chain. It was a rectangle no more than two inches long, engraved with an infinity sign. In one side of the infinity, 'Kurt' was engraved, in the other was 'Rachel'. Kurt gasped at how sweet it was. Sure, he and Rachel had their differences at times, but he had never doubted their friendship. He was so happy to have a permanent sign one of his best friends. He reached over to hug her - Rachel thought that it was more of a tackle - and thanked her about twenty times.

"I got one for myself, too. You know, it should be me thanking you. You've been so supportive of me since… you know…" her words trailed off and she gulped to keep her tears down, "and I just really wanted to thank you for that."

Kurt crushed her in another hug, trying to hide his blurry eyed face from her. He had lost just as much as her and, truth be told, he wouldn't have gotten through it without her either. He just hoped that he would never lose Rachel or he might not survive.

The two sat in the apartment, hugging until Rachel pulled away saying, "We should watch a movie!"

"I don't know, I'm kind of tired right now," Kurt replied, a little hesitant.

"Your choice," Rachel said with a smirk on her face, trying to get her friend to give in.

"Fine. But we're watching Moulin Rouge."

Santana came home to find her two roommates sitting apart from each other on the couch, staring at the TV with blank faces and gaping mouths. Knowing her friends very well, she asked them simply, "Why do you guys keep watching Moulin Rouge if you know you're going to bawl every time you watch it?"

"Because, Santana, that is exactly why we watch it," Kurt replied, Rachel still staring off into nothingness.

"Well obviously, Hobbit here doesn't think so."

Kurt and Santana looked at each other, then they proceeded to look at Rachel. They stayed that way for a few minutes until Rachel broke the silence.

"Why do people just leave. There should be some sort of sign that they will leave you. I mean, look at Satine and Christian. They could've lived happily ever after. Why did that have to end," She trailed off.

"Are you sure that this is about Satine and Christian?" Santana probed.

Kurt nudged her, mumbling through his teeth, "Yes, San, it is. Are you trying to make her cry?"

Kurt needed to remind Santana not to trigger Rachel a lot lately.

Rachel interrupted their private conversation, saying, "Yes. It's only the movie," and storming to her room.

She flopped on her back and stared up at the industrial-like cieling above her. It looked just like the ceiling at Burt's shop. She threw a pillow over her face. Even this after several months, everything she saw had some sort of connection to him. Every time she passed Bow Bridge or saw a sign for the Hudson River, she was reminded of him. She had once even considered just moving to a completely different place that she'd never been, but she wouldn't have her friends if she did that.

She took a deep breath, inhaling the smell of her fresh, clean pillow. Finn always smelled clean and fresh, even when he was sweaty. And this was the never ending cycle of thought these days.

Rachel decided to listen to some music and go to sleep. She turned on the radio, making sure that the station was free of anything related to classic rock- another reminder. She closed her eyes and almost immediately fell asleep.

But she didn't escape him. She dreamt that he was laying next to her, his firm arms wrapping her safely against him. It felt so real that when she woke up, she could still feel them there. For a second, even the spot on the bed next to her felt warm, but she realized it was just her imagination.

It was as if his every move was implanted in her brain and she just kept reliving them over and over.

She still loved him. She knew he would want her to, but at that moment, she felt like she would never be able to move on.

Two days after Christmas, Rachel was in the kitchen helping Kurt cook dinner for their New Years Eve party. Well, to be fair, Rachel wasn't really cooking. Kurt had banned her from using the oven and stove ever since the incident when she almost burned down their apartment building. So Kurt was handling the cooking of the food, whereas Rachel was mainly cutting up ingredients (she was also banned from seasoning the meat).

Kurt had invited all of their friends from NYADA, Rachel asked a few of her friends from Funny Girl to come, and Santana was bringing Dani and some of her other friends.

It was their first big gathering of people after Finn died. Rachel often thought about how something like this could so easily divide your life into two parts. Everything for her was either before or after. It wasn't her first laugh, it was her first laugh after. It wasn't her her first birthday, it was her first birthday after. Everything was defined by him.

Rachel was pulled out of her thoughts when Kurt waved his hand in front of her face.

"Rachel. Rachel! Earth to Rachel!"

She shook her thoughts away, "What do you need?"

Kurt waved a piece of paper at her. "Run down to the grocery store for me."

Rachel grabbed the list and glanced down at it. "Why do we need more chicken? We already have two whole others. These people's appetites are bigger than Finn's!"

The second she realized what she said this, she clapped her hand to her mouth. "I-I'll go get these. Bye."

With that, she dashed off. When she got out of the building and to the end of the block, she finally slowed her pace. Her heart was still racing by the time she got to the neighborhood grocery store.

As she entered, the bells on the door rang. She was still flustered from what she said, so she made herself busy walking up and down the aisles. It didn't take her long to find everything on the list. As she hurried back to the front of the store, she bumped into a tall man carrying several packages of paper towels to restock the shelves with. As they came tumbling down to the floor, she realized it was her fault. She put her basket down to help him pick them up, but when she reached to give them to him, she realized who it was.

"Rachel, I can explain."

 **Lea's album Places just came out and I love it! T** **his is my longest chapter so far, so I hope you're satisfied for now. I'm sorry I haven't updated for a couple months. Hopefully I'll be able to write much more during summer. Now that I'm back on track with Fanfiction, I'll be writing much more. As always, tell me what you think and any suggestions for future chapters. Thanks!**


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